Turn to the next Paige

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I've been one to believe that change is always a good thing. I've been through some change and I can tell you there has been a difference in me lately. Especially the past month, I've had this thing on my heart. I can only call it a "thing" because that refers to my confusion about what it was. Now that I am starting my family, I've had a desire to learn more about me and how I benefit this world...and then I had this revelation...a flip of conscience I guess you could say. My heart was telling me to let go of my personal ambition and to wait. Be patient. It's not about YOU.

What?? Me? Queen of the spotlight?? You mean to tell me it's NOT about me??

I've had so many questions on my mind and could just feel my Lord tugging on my heart strings to get some insight. I had been battling some very mild depression over the direction of my life...you know...

-I married the man of my prayers (I don't say dreams because Andy was literally an answer to my prayers)
-I am fortunate to where I don't work full-time
-I have a wonderful home/family
-health in the family (Lord, I thank you)
-fortunate that I have a little job that I enjoy to do and hope to grow in

You know...a girl just has to be unsatisfied with that.

Then it sorta just hit me. How incredibly selfish I have been. I believe as a society, even when we have wonderful things going for us, we still want more. We won't be satisfied. It's that whole "pride" thing that is always catchy. I believe pride is the hardest thing to recognize in ourselves because we often confuse that with what many will call "self-esteem" or "ambition." It's a very faint line. I personally believe it is the biggest downfall as a Christian. We are not only prideful in ourselves but about our belief. As society and the media tend to dilute what Christianity is (in terms to be considered "tolerant"), we are served this microwavable salvation in order to make us feel whole. We take fragmented parts of the Bible in order to fit them in into OUR terms of Christianity. We want the lovey-dovey God but forget the Holy God. And that is where we faulter to no end. It shouldn't be any wonder why we are so unhappy as a society...as a country...as a world.

I remember being Saved when I was very young. I remember my Mom holding me at our very first home and praying. I remember laying on my parents' bed and crying because I couldn't understand why Jesus had to suffer. I remember making the decision on my own to be Baptised a few years later. I went to church where my Papaw was/is a Deacon in a tiny, precious church. I remember being brought to my knees in prayer at the thought of losing my Papaw when I was 13. I remember praying because of a broken heart.But...I never got it.

As a Christian and as a sinner...it is so easy to get caught up and thinking that God is here because of you. We run to God when times get dark. We talk to Him because we feel it is on our checklist...and that will make our relationship strong and that will please Him. We have this image of Him being this grandfather figure that we can skip to with the hope he will have butterscotch candies in his pocket. It wasn't until very recently that I finally saw how deceieved I have been. I AM HERE BECAUSE OF GOD. It was at that moment that I realized what my problem had been. My image of my God had been this Genie figure that I believed would make all my desires come true. How incredibly selfish is that??.

Before, I would get offended at people's insults toward Christianity...but now I realize that my hypocrisy is direct cause for criticism. Believe me...I have much to be criticised for but there is comfort in the fact that I am being lead into a more satisfying relationship with God. If God could be put in a box (like I had determined before)...he would not be God. His divine purpose and being goes far beyond what our tiny human minds can comprehend...and that in fact is AWESOME.


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